Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
