The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
