There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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