i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
