I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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