I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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