You work out of a Hotel?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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