Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
What a dumb baby whore.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
