the condom got lost in my hair
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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