i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
