CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I enjoy the company of your penis
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
