I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
