dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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