I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
