ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
