Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
