If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
