I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
