I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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