Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
