Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
