I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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