the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
