either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
