On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
