I CAN MOONWALK!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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