Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
