I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It all started with a game of naked twister.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
