She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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