I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
