no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
