my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
