I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm having to shit out rocks
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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