I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
