I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If I had your ass I would rule the world
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
