also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
