Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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