i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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