she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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