I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
