life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
