so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
