I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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