Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
