I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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