Yo dont text me then not text me
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
me + whiskey = a bad person
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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