If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
