Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize