I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
