the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
