I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
