She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
