where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
