Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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