my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You're a waste of cheezeits
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
