Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
